“May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night and a smooth road all the way to your door.”

i'm numb. cold, empty... and i don't know how much longer it'll be like this.

blame it on the weather change; cold makes me crabby, makes me bored.
blame it on the change in my sleeping patterns; actually, blame it on jared. we've been on the phone really late for the past couple of nights.

i've been writing again, my one solace. but it's hard when i "don't understand the prompt" and my grades begin to suffer. my relationships are sinking, the ones with the only things that matter right now: school, primarily AP english, food & my actual friends. i'm withdrawing again, putting myself back into survival mode because i just feel like i can't take it anymore.

i'm sick of pretending. pretending i'm not tired, pretending i'm still perfectly stable & happy with where i'm at in my life. i'm sick of pretending i don't have feelings anymore.

and i'm wondering if he likes me. his on-again, off-again relationship may be the latter, but i'm really wondering... is my optimism enough to make up for his total and complete cynicism when it comes to relationships? god, i wish i knew...

i'm just scared of falling. i'm lonely, and loneliness is usually only compatible with a spiral in the opposite direction you wish to go. i just hope that by being impulsive, for once in my life, i'll accomplish something that i finally want.

here goes nothing.

“Guilt is the very nerve of sorrow.”

that explains a lot. maybe more than it actually should...

i'm being childish. i need my space. i need room to grow and change and be free and live solely for myself for at least a little while longer. i need to think everything through, enough so that i can just clear my head... enough so i can stop having a nervous breakdown every time i have to make a decision concerning him.

i want to just drive. pick a highway and just keep driving the backroads until i either hit a dead end or i run out of gas. the allure of packing all of this up and starting fresh is so strong right now... and to think, i've only got another year of school before i do it for real. i want new beginnings, i want to get out of this god forsaken town before it eats me alive. i want to get out before he eats me alive-- tears apart my body, my mind, my heart and soul... everything that could be his if only he had the courage to ask, or if i had the courage to confront. all i need is a blanket, some money (pay day = tomorrow :D), phone, charger, etc. and the open road. i just want to drive, to get away... at least for a little while.

this won't last forever. it can't. i don't think i'll survive if it will. one person's emotions can only take so much abuse, be it by another person or if it's completely self-inflicted. i've got to stop letting him control me so much... and the sad part of that is that he doesn't even know the amount of power he holds in his hands. this is why i've left the stage, the lights, the theater behind me... i'm constantly putting on an act. the smiles, the optimistic attitude, all seem to be fake lately. i can be optimistic for other people, but never for myself. my risidual hope exends to other people with open arms, but clams up whenever things start going good for myself.

my nightmare begins on monday. cassie's calling the social worker; mom's calling kopack. i'm faced with the obstacles of providing the 'she said' portion of this he-said-she-said case i'm getting myself into, and the potential task of having a conversation with cody, face to face. i'm scared yet i'm anxious; i'm brave yet i'm overwhelmed; i want to talk to him, but a part of me is scared shitless because i don't know how he would react.

losing him still hurts. the urge to pack up and drive is strong. all of my inbox messages are from mocarski, providing guidance and wisdom. i wish things were better; i wish things were different.